—by Prof. Trace Rhodes & Dr. A.D. Hawke
Editor’s Note: The following was very kindly written at the behest of the Orange Monk. Apparently, TR and ADH (who are married) nearly came to blows over certain details whilst compiling this article, but to read it you’d never know it: it’s a concise overview of a normally very obfuscated legend. The words and pictures that follow were supplied by Rhodes and Hawke (together known as “The Scavengers,” and part of the elite Brotherhood of the Orange Monk); any typos or copyright infringement is entirely theirs; any formatting errors are entirely my fault. —O.M.
- Plato was a pompous philosopher, who ripped-off his teacher Socrates in order to take advantage of the attractive “minds” of young boys around 360 BCE in Athens.
- Timaeus and Critias were Plato’s class notes.
- Plato created way too much backstory here to explain where the Atlantic Ocean got its name. Atlantis = Atlas’s Island = Ἀτλαντὶς νῆσος = Atlas was the first king of the isle.
- Nope, most ancients knew better.
- Forget the Atlantis-es of Disney and Startgate, it was bigger than Lybia and Asia combined! It was 3,000 stadia (345 miles) by 2,000 stadia (230 miles).
- Atlantis was Poseidon’s for keeps. He had a litter of five male twins with the mortal Cleito and let the boys rule it. The first born, Atlas ran the show, and the ocean, people and the place were named after him. Atlanteans loved Poseidon so much that horses had their own racecourses, training grounds, gardens and even bathhouses (Poseidon’s favorite animal? Horsies. His favorite color? Blue).
- Since the Greeks were too scared to sail past the Pillars of Hercules, the Straights of Gibraltar today, why not make up fantastic civilizations and sea monsters!
- Plato blames Solon, who blames the Egyptians for the dating.
- The Greeks loved trees, meat and shiny things. Atlantis had all these and more, innumerable forests of pine, delicious elephants and even their own imaginary precious metal orichalcum! Temples were entirely coated in gold, silver or orichalcum yet everyone was still humble! That’s amazing Plato! What? Sure, I’ll sleep with you…
- The Greeks loved labyrinths like candy. Plato made Atlantis sound more like a concentric matrix of harbors and channels than any land mass. They had so many boats that sleeping was impossible due to the noise.
- It was advanced but flawed. Everything was cooler and better there, but Plato hates hereditary kingships (Atlantis) and *hearts* philosopher oligarchies (Athens…maybe).
- The empire included Italy and North Africa and tons of delicious slaves.
- See, 
- Why? Ask sleepy-pants Plato, who probably fell asleep during another boring Socrates lecture since the Critias ends right before Zeus took out Atlantis.
- Like a thousand year long telephone game, the Greeks probably turned the destruction of Santorini into that of Atlantis. Around 1,500 BCE (Dr. Hawke and Prof. Rhodes have differing opinions on the actual date of the Santorini destruction), a volcano on the island Santorini destroyed the great Minoan Bronze Age settlement of Akrotiri and sunk most of the island. The 400-year Dark Age that followed didn’t help keep the myths straight.
- Francis Bacon: philosopher, scientist and crispy breakfast side dish, copied Plato/Socrates to create his book, The New Atlantis. This Baconian wet dream was the perfect island. It housed a cloistered hive of elite scientists, who blew state funds to research things like invisible rocks and various sports drinks.
- Serious scholars, politicians and psychic mentalists have embellished Atlantis. Maybe the Atlanteans had gunpowder, compasses, eugenic perfection, flying crystal-powered ships, long before the Egyptians could write.
- See, 
- 19th Century Mesoamerican scholars thought it was Mayan or Aztec; psychic Edgar Cayce channeled that it was around the Bahamas; Nazis looked for Aryan Atlanteans in Tibet and the North Pole. While anywhere from the Black Sea, Ireland, Sweden, Cuba, Bermuda, the Indian Ocean and Antarctica is still up for grabs.
- Dear future generations, best of luck. Here are some sources:
Bacon, Francis. The New Atlantis. 1626: http://oregonstate.edu/instruct/phl302/texts/bacon/atlantis.html
Cayce, Edgar Evans. Edgar Cayce’s Atlantis. Paperback Library. 1968.
Ebehard, Zangger. The Flood from Heaven: Deciphering the Atlantis Legend. William Morrow & Company: 1992.
Erlingsson, U. The Atlantis Blueprint: Unlocking the Ancient Mysteries of a Long-Lost Civilization. Delacorte Press. 2001.
Philips, ED. ‘Historical Elements in the Myth of Atlantis’. Euphrosyne, vol. 2. 3-38. 1968.
Plato. Platonis Opera, ed. John Burnet. Oxford University Press. 1903.
Plato. Plato in Twelve Volumes, Vol. 9 translated by W.R.M. Lamb. Cambridge, MA, Harvard University Press; London, William Heinemann Ltd. 1925.
Perseus 4.0 — http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=Perseus%3Atext%3A1999.01.0179%3Atext%3DCriti.%3Asection%3D118b
Editor’s Note: If anyone is interested in pursuing this topic further, and would like access to Plato in Twelve Volumes, Vol. 9 (trans. WRM Lamb), let me know. For some reason, I am in possession of the electronic text. Thank you, Dr. Hawke… I think. —O.M.